Five days from the day we got that first call, we got the final word that the birth mother of this little girl was going to keep her. Just like that, it was over. In a matter of moments, parenthood was stripped from us. We were broken and crushed. Though we knew this was a possibility for a couple of days, the final blow hit us hard. We kept thinking that there was hope and that God was somehow going to "come through for us." My faith was tested like never before. The questions came.
"Lord, are you really good?"
"Are you really sovereign?
"Why would You allow this heartache to come to us?"
"What are you doing, God?"
"Why couldn't we have just bypassed this whole situation if
You knew this mother was just going to keep her baby?"
"What do I do now?"
Though our hearts still hurt from the loss, we rest and delight in the Lord who never fails us. Our faith has been strengthened and refined. He has been with us the whole way. (Isaiah 43:2) What started out as questions has turned into a resounding proclamation that the Lord IS good. He IS Sovereign. And he has NEVER failed us. Not once! Could He change His character now? Could He change the way He has been from eternity past? No and No. The Lord continues to be a gracious Father who only gives good gifts to His children. Do I understand everything that went on and why? Absolutely not. I may never know. I think about Job and his sufferings--he never learned of why he had to endure trial. But I also know he gained a new understanding of who God was and learned that the presence of God was worth more than anything else. (See Job 42: 5) God's presence was Job's solace.
We had said all along that we were plan B for this child. The best case scenario was that this little girl be raised and cherished by her birth parents. And we are trusting God that this is what is happening today. We have no doubts that the birth mother is a good mom and we are praying that her dad continues to be involved in her life and teaches her the way of Christ.
The question that still remains is "What do I do now?" I keep living life. I let God get me out of bed every morning and I seek His face. I still have trouble working on "baby" or "nursery" stuff because all I can picture is a little girl that we thought would be here by now. It still hurts and there is healing that remains to occur. But I can face each day with trust in a God who sacrificed everything so that I might know Him and follow Him.
For five days I got a glimpse of what motherhood feels like. Even though we have been in the adoption process for a while, it wasn't until we got that call that it felt real. Like we were actually getting somewhere. So for five days I cherished this child and realized what it felt like to truly put a life ahead of my own...trying to figure out what would be best for her when we brought her home...seeking counsel on how to care for her. It was such a humbling experience. To know and feel the love a mother feels for her child was so amazing. I long to feel that way again. And for more than 5 days. But I trust that God will bring that about in His time. He will redeem the days that we have spent longing for children.
The Lord gave me a song before we knew the end result of this adoption and I didn't know why. I see now how he was preparing me to let go and trust His hand in this.
It was written by Lauren Chandler called "Though You Slay Me" (HERE is her version) and it is also performed by Shane & Shane (click for their version). It has been healing for me. I pray it would bless others who are struggling in their own doubts and questions.
Read the lyrics and story HERE. She says at the end, "And the tears that just can't stop will be dried forever by His tender, nail-scarred hand. It is then that we will know exactly how 'it was worth it all'"
Christ is so worth it. He is so worth the pain and the heartache of this past month. I wouldn't trade those five days, even though I so wished it would have ended differently. I have come to know the Lord in a new way, a way only learned through suffering and trial. James 1:2-4 "Count it all joy, my brothers when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing."